I think the emotions are getting closer to the surface again as we are about to begin what we hope is Talitha's final chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant cycle.
We gathered for a special family prayer before saying goodnight to each of the children. I feel at peace and a little anxious.
Audrey will take Talitha to the PCMC for check-in around 9am. If this round goes like the last two, the high dose chemo--carboplatin and thiotepa--will begin flowing through the central line around 2pm. The first of the many baths to keep the skin from burning will happen in the evening.
The emotions are an interesting mix of about 2 parts melancholy/somber to 1 part anticipation at the prospect of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Is the cancer still in there?
Will it be totally gone when this cycle concludes and they do another lumbar puncture/spinal tap?
I don't know the answers.
But God knows.
This is the part where I choose to accept His will.
Although I believe in eternal life and eternal families, Talitha does not belong to me. She is His.
I believe I have as much love for Talitha as my soul is capable of. That love is so strong that it overwhelms me at times.
So, when I consider that my Father in Heaven has an even greater love for Tali than I do, it has a relaxing, soothing effect on me.
Praise Him for His infinite love and goodness.
One more round...
...then please let her come home and be with us for good.